Make Me Clean
by YuYuFanatic14
Summary: Blaine wants to be the perfect boyfriend for Kurt, he really does, but his discomfort with his body and anything sexual make that difficult. He does all he can to make Kurt happy, but in doing so stops taking care of himself.WARNING-mild eating disorder.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so this is a little bit of an exploratory piece, based on a prompt from the Glee angst meme: (5th prompt post, "Blaine sex issues"- I would link, but ffnet doesn't seem to want to let me) and my own experiences. In this story, Blaine suffers from a sort of mix of asexuality and sexphobia, which I hope doesn't confuse people.

The POV jumps around a tiny bit- this chapter starts in Burt 1st person, then for the rest of the story will move between third person and Blaine's 1st. I'll let you know if this changes. Hope you enjoy!

I don't own Glee or the characters.

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><p>"It's so romantic," Kurt was gushing to Finn as I entered the kitchen. Finn sighed, stirring his cereal moodily. Since his eyes were pretty glazed, I figured Kurt had been going on about this, whatever it was, for a while.<p>

"What's romantic?" I asked, crossing my arms. Kurt whirled around, face red.

"Nothing," he replied, clasping his hands together. "Just Blaine."

I raised my eyebrows. "Your boyfriend Blaine? You'd better elaborate on that 'romantic' bit, then."

The blush darkened. "We didn't do anything, Dad, just kissed." His expression softened and I coughed slightly before he got too far into his… reminiscing. He glared at me.

"Don't worry," Finn chimed in, getting up to put his bowl in the sink. "They were kissing for hours… trust me." He left the room, Kurt's glare now directed at his back. While Finn's expression vouched for him, I had to admit that was a bit odd. What normal teenage boy contented himself with just making out for two, three, however many hours?

When I asked, Kurt just groaned in that "get out of my business" way that's standard for teenagers. I ignored it and kept staring at him like any good, nosy parent should. He sighed loudly.

"I don't know, Dad, but I'm not going to complain about it. I thought you'd be _happy_ that I'm not going out and having sex-"

I cleared my throat again. "Yeah. Real happy. Just… just be careful, okay?"

He nodded, rolling his eyes. There. Parental duty satisfied.

* * *

><p>Saturday night. No one was home; Burt and Carole had gone out on a date night, and Finn was at Noah's. Blaine was on his bed, kissing him, exactly as he had been for the past half hour. The door was locked in case Finn came home, and the fan was on to hide any accidental moans or loud breathing. Kurt sighed happily as they broke apart again. This was perfect. Blaine was so gentle, and not at all desperate to get into his pants like he'd been worried about.<p>

He brushed his lips across Blaine's, ready to begin the next round, but the other boy didn't respond. Kurt frowned.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a low voice, searching Blaine's face for any sign of pain or discomfort. He was flushed. "What did I do?"

Blaine's grin seemed a little forced as he glanced up at Kurt and shook his head.

"It's nothing, beautiful," he replied, stroking Kurt's cheek. "You just took my breath away for a second."

Though the comment made Kurt blush, he was not deterred. "Are you sure you're okay?" he tried again. "We can stop if you want."

Blaine shook his head. "No, I'm just…" He avoided Kurt's eyes, suddenly looking embarrassed. "I'm close," he whispered, blush deepening.

Kurt gulped. "You're… _close?_" he asked in what was most definitely _not_ a squeak. "From _kissing?_"

Blaine nodded, squirming uncomfortably. "Just give it a minute, it'll go-"

Suddenly, against his better judgment, Kurt pulled Blaine closer and kissed him, cutting him off.

"It's okay," he murmured. "Did you want to… do something else?"

He hadn't planned on this… Well, maybe getting a little turned on was normal, but that didn't constitute "close," did it? He wasn't really familiar with all the terms for this yet. And he definitely hadn't known how easily satisfied Blaine was. He giggled inwardly, nervously, at the thought. Blaine didn't have to know how little he actually knew about everything. Getting a guy off wasn't too hard, was it? He started to reach down-

Blaine shuddered. "N-no, no, it's okay, Kurt. Really." He grabbed Kurt's wrist and placed their hands back over the pale boy's cheek. "I'd much rather just keep kissing you."

Their lips met again and Kurt hummed happily. Sufficiently distracted, he didn't notice Blaine slip a hand down between them and the quick hiss that followed.

Nor the fact that that happened twice more in the hour and a half that followed before Blaine finally had to return home.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Glee or its characters.

(Timeline may be a little off, compared to the show- ex, when Kurt/Blaine got together. Not using in show events unless it becomes necessary later on.)

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><p><em>Okay, so the square root of 24 times 5- no. The square root of 25 times 4 over 3- why am I even doing this?<em>

Blaine looked down at his paper disgustedly and shoved it away. Sighing, he rubbed his temples and glanced at the clock. Nine. It wasn't late enough to blame his lack of attention on exhaustion, so why couldn't he do the most basic of equations?

Shining blue eyes and the light musical tinkle of Kurt's laughter flashed in his mind. Blaine's eyes fluttered closed and he let out a soft exhale; slowly he began to unbutton his shirt.

No. He stilled his hands. He had homework to do. _Focus._ What would Kurt think if he knew?

That was a good deterrent. Blaine buttoned up his shirt again, tighter than before, and tried to concentrate.

He and Kurt had been together for almost two months. That was usually the cutoff point, two months. By that point, all of his other boyfriends (not like there had been very many) had realized that he wasn't going to put out… and left him. But Kurt was different.

_We'd better practice._ That shy, beautiful laugh. _I thought we were._

Before he knew it, his hands were straying down again, and he pressed the heel of his hand into the crotch of his uniform pants to try to prevent something from happening. He couldn't do this right now.

Kurt wasn't into sex. He'd said so. Still, Blaine worried that that would eventually change. It always did. And then Kurt would leave him lonelier than ever before, all because he'd had that taste of what it could be like.

_Focus on math, not Kurt. Kurt doesn't want you fantasizing about him, turning him into some kind of sex-_

The pencil slipped from his numbed fingers and he curled into himself, desperately trying to keep his erection at bay. It hurt so much to press it down; his shirt collar was choking him but to his disgust it only aroused him further.

"Stop, stop it, _please…_" _I love him, I can't think about him like this- I'm so dirty and he's so pure and… beautiful-_

He needed this. If only to keep himself from taking advantage of Kurt the next time they were together. Feeling sick to his stomach, Blaine rose. Locked the door, dorm mates be damned. He returned to his desk, sat, and slowly, guiltily, began to stroke himself through his pants.

* * *

><p>The next day at lunch, Blaine bypassed all of the boys heading towards the cafeteria and entered the Warblers' practice room. It was empty, as it should be, and he collapsed into a chair, exhaling heavily.<p>

He'd done his best to avoid Kurt through the morning; though it made him feel awful, it was for the best. He didn't need tempting, and Kurt didn't deserve the pain of dealing with his confusion. Apparently his body had not yet learned the difference between what was proper and inappropriate. Getting off on the thought of your sexually shy boyfriend was _definitely_ not appropriate behavior, and he would have to keep punishing himself until it realized that.

Taking another deep breath, he opened his schoolbag and took out his notes for history. He should use this time to do something productive, something to keep his mind off of his growling stomach.

Suddenly, the doorknob rattled and Blaine's back stiffened. Who would need the practice room during lunch? He whirled around in his seat just in time to see Kurt slip into the room, a paper bag in his hand.

"I was wondering where you'd gotten of to," the pale boy said with a smile. "Wes said you might be in here."

_Thanks, Wes._ Blaine forced himself to grin. "Why were you looking for me?"

"Because I haven't heard from you since Saturday night?" Kurt replied teasingly. "You _are_ my boyfriend, are you not? Or did you get cold feet and decide not to tell me?"

Blaine swallowed, mouth suddenly dry. Luckily Kurt didn't notice his discomfort, busy pulling another chair over to Blaine's table.

"So, why _are_ you hiding out in here?" he asked. "Wes didn't want to tell me."

_Small mercies, I guess._ Blaine stayed quiet for a moment, content to just watch Kurt take out his lunch and spread it over half of the table. "I'm just studying, Kurt. I don't know why Wes would make a big deal out of that."

Kurt opened his mouth just as Blaine's stomach decided to let out a particularly loud rumble, and an embarrassed heat begin to creep up the back of the shorter boy's neck. However, instead of teasing him, Kurt's face melted into an expression of dismay.

"Oh, god, Blaine! I'm so sorry- I forgot you were skipping lunch to come here!" Kurt rummaged through his lunch bag, pulling out the last two items; an apple and a second bottle of water. "It's not much, but you need to eat something."

Blaine smiled warmly and pushed the offerings away. "I'm fine, Kurt. It's your lunch."

The paler boy fixed him with a not-so-patient glare. "It's an apple. Humor me." He shoved the fruit into Blaine's hands and picked up his fork, digging in to the small salad he'd brought. "So, what class are you studying for? I could try and help, if you wanted…"

"Um… history." Blaine glanced between Kurt and the apple for a few seconds, torn, before finally dropping the fruit as he bent again over his notes. There was a high-pitched indignant noise and he winced.

"Look, Kurt, I really appreciate you coming in here. I love your company. But I don't have time to eat right now. I have a test next period and-"

"Say no more."

Blaine's eyes shot up from the paper to Kurt's face. "What?"

The countertenor's expression had softened into something that looked too much like resignation for Blaine's liking. Kurt stood and slowly began packing his lunch back into his bag.

"You're stressed out. I get it." His voice seemed cheerful, but… Blaine had faked that emotion enough to know that Kurt was faking it now. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Kurt. Kurt, _look at me._" Blaine caught the other boy's wrist. "Listen. I shouldn't have snapped at you, okay?" Kurt wouldn't look at him. His heart began to thud in panic. "I promise, I'll have lunch later, I just need to finish this first. Without being distracted. You know how hard history is for me." Finally, the tiniest hint of a smile. "C'mere."

Slowly, ever so slowly, Kurt sat back down, glanced up at him through his eyelashes. Blaine reached out, cupped his face gently with one hand. Leaned forward and kissed Kurt softly, first on the forehead, then on the cheek, then the lips. He pulled away.

"Are we okay?" he asked in little more than a whisper.

Kurt didn't say anything, choosing instead to twine their fingers together and lift Blaine's hand to his mouth. His eyes twinkled mischievously and Blaine let a relieved smile spread across his face.

"More than okay," Kurt murmured, and stood again. "I'll see you after class."

Blaine watched, chest tight, as Kurt left the room. When the click of the door finally echoed in the still air, he rose shakily, deposited the food into the trash can, and then returned to his seat.

He would make it up to Kurt later.


	3. Chapter 3

Wow. I think this is the most response I've ever gotten to a fic in just about 24 hours. (It's hit the most alerts for a story I've ever had.) So thank you, fandom. It's a little terrifying, but in a good way, of course. I hope enjoy this next part.

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><p>Here they were again. Only 'here' this time meant Blaine's dorm room (courtesy of a <em>very<em> understanding roommate). Blaine kissed Kurt as desperately as he dared, storing up as many good memories as he could before the weekend. Kurt was going back to Lima to see his family, so they would go two whole days without seeing each other… Kurt must have understood the urgency, as inexperienced as he was, and stroked Blaine's cheek soothingly.

Blaine groaned. Damn it, why did he have to love Kurt so much? He was hard again. He tried to ignore it; his tongue darted out to touch the other boy's lips, then again to brush Kurt's teeth. The boy hummed and Blaine felt himself twitch. He couldn't keep this up. Tensing in anticipation of the pain he was about to inflict on himself, he reached down-

Unfortunately Kurt, leaning back to take a breath, noticed.

"What are you doing?"

Startled, Blaine pinched himself with far more force than intended and gasped as his erection disappeared. He lifted watering eyes to meet Kurt's, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. Kurt must think he was so perverted, trying to get off while they were kissing-

"If you had wanted to do something, you could have just asked."

Amazingly, Kurt didn't seem angry. In fact, his voice sounded fairly calm. But Blaine couldn't bring himself to tell Kurt the truth, couldn't let him down, let him think that his boyfriend was anything but confident, collected, _normal._ He cleared his throat and forced a reassuring smile to his face.

"I know. I just didn't want to pressure you into something you're not ready for."

Kurt opened his mouth to protest but said nothing. Blaine waited.

"We haven't been together all that long," he said gently once he was certain that Kurt didn't have a comeback. "And, to be honest… it's not something I'm hugely comfortable with, either."

Kurt's eyes widened slightly.

"It's not that I don't _want_ to do things with you," Blaine amended, wanting to kick himself for even _suggesting _that, "but I don't want to go too fast and ruin what we have, either. Fair?"

There was silence for a moment as Kurt thought, gaze lowered. Blaine's palms began to sweat. If it mattered that much- no. That wouldn't be a problem. He could touch Kurt in whatever way the paler boy wanted, even if he deserved better. As long as he didn't let Kurt try and do anything in return, everything would be fine.

"Fair."

He'd almost forgotten what they'd been talking about. Quickly mustering a smile for the other boy, he leaned forward and brushed their lips together.

"I love you." _You're too good to me._

* * *

><p>"I have a surprise for you," Kurt announced later that night while we were having dinner at Breadstix. (He'd insisted that I drive out to Lima with him for some reason- not that I was complaining.) Well, Kurt was eating. I was sipping at a hot chocolate. My starvation period still had twenty-four hours to go, but I was treating myself a little early for going three days without a single disgusting erotic thought about Kurt.<p>

I smiled at him over the top of my cup. "Oh? And what would that be?"

Kurt grinned, clasping his hands together. "A sleepover!"

I choked. Kurt frowned.

"It's nothing," I quickly reassured him once I could breathe again. "Are you sure you could get your father to agree with that?"

Inwardly I was panicking. A sleepover at Kurt's house? With just the two of us, or had he invited other people, too? Would he want us to sleep in the same bed? …Would I be able to handle that? I glanced down at my trembling fingers and tightened them around my coffee cup.

"We… we don't have to, if you have a problem with it…"

My head shot up. Kurt's tone had been _devastated._

"Hey. _Hey._ I never said I didn't want to come." I felt awful. Did he think I didn't want him? I grabbed Kurt's hand under the table and squeezed, making him glance up at me anxiously.

"Don't ever doubt that I'm crazy about you, Kurt," I said with as much seriousness in my voice as I could. "And never, _ever_ hesitate to make yourself my top priority if you think that I'm not doing enough."

He laughed softly and shook his head, the moment forgotten. "You're doing fine. Just remember to take care of yourself, too, Blaine."

I smiled. _If you only knew._

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><p>The weight of my decision did not fully sink in until we were about two streets from Kurt's house. Through some slip of judgment I'd agreed to spending the night, the <em>entire<em> night, at my boyfriend's house. I swallowed harshly. What if I- _tried_ something? I couldn't live with myself if I hurt him.

"Kurt?" My voice sounded strained; I hoped it wasn't noticeable. "Where… where am I going to _sleep?_ I mean-"

"My dad won't come after you with a shotgun if we sleep in the same room," Kurt replied teasingly. "We just need to keep the door open if we're somewhere besides the living room."

"Oh." I nodded slowly. "Okay."

_I can't do this._

My anxiety progressed into a mini breakdown once we pulled into the driveway and I realized that I was about to spend _eight whole hours_ at Kurt's house, at the very _least_, and I hadn't gotten myself ready, hadn't brought any clothes with me- _I would have to wear Kurt's clothes._

No, no, no. Calm down. He has a brother, remember? Finn would almost definitely have something I could wear. Less danger that way. I wouldn't be covered in Kurt's scent, teasing me, tempting me to do awful things to him. I still had hair gel. I could wait to shower until I got home. This would be a relaxing night, filled with movies (junk food?) and laughing. _I can do this._

"Blaine?" Kurt's voice sounded equal parts concerned and amused. "You can get out of the car, now."

Oh, yeah. Standing. I flashed a quick smile for Kurt and unlocked my door. _You can't be a basket-case. Not tonight. They've never let you have a sleepover before. Don't mess this up for Kurt._

I got out of the car, anxiously brushing off the legs of my jeans. They weren't dirty, couldn't have been dirty, but I wanted to make sure all the same. Kurt grabbed one of my hands and squeezed.

"Are you worried about something?" He ducked his head, trying to meet my eyes. I determinedly avoided his. "You're awfully tense today."

Another smile, fake a laugh.

"I'm fine, Kurt. Just hoping…" I paused, then slowly glanced up at him and winked. "…hoping tonight goes well."

I could feel the shiver that passed through his body. He swallowed, a faint blush crossing his pale cheeks, then coughed lightly and led me into the house.

One disaster averted. How dirty would I have to make myself to prevent the others?


	4. Chapter 4

First of all, a huge thank you to everyone who's reviewed/favorited/alerted/whatever this fic. I'm so glad you guys are liking it so far and I hope I can continue to deliver a story you enjoy.

Second, I know that the tense changes at the end of this chapter. I have struggled with extreme writer's block this week (I rewrote the first scene at least three or four times and apologize in advance for OOCness) and if changing tenses for half a scene was what it took to get the words out, I decided to do it. Hopefully things will be more consistent next time (though I do like the stream-of-consciousness feel it has to it. Anybody else have a preference?).

Finally, a warning. The end of this chapter may approach an M rating, but there's nothing graphic.

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><p>I love Kurt's family. I tell myself this every time I visit, not because I'm trying to convince myself, but because it's so true it never ceases to amaze me. For example- they eat dinner together every night. (Well, almost every- Kurt's obviously at Dalton most nights and sometimes Burt has to work late at the garage, but it's more than my family does.) My parents are away on business most of the time, and since I'd rather be surrounded by people at Dalton than be left alone with my thoughts in an empty house, I don't have that type of family activity very often.<p>

We'd spent so much time at Breadstix that we ended up getting back to Kurt's house too late to join dinner. (Not that it crossed Kurt's mind- "we'd" already eaten.) I watched him with an amused smile on my face as he fumbled with his shoes in the entryway, anxious to see his family.

Part of me wondered why Kurt still attended Dalton if he missed them so much, even with all the time he'd had to get adjusted. He enjoyed it there, he told me so, but I worried if it meant he wanted to leave. I would never ask him of course; I didn't want him to leave me, however selfish it sounded.

"Are you coming, Blaine?" Kurt tugged at my hand, blue eyes bright. It made me happy to see how comfortable he was now, because of Dalton. His eyes were brighter, more alive without a hint of fear in them. His cheeks were flushed, the darkness that had hung over him like a cloud had cleared. It was beautiful.

It was mesmerizing.

He pulled me into the kitchen and began to greet his family, his voice an octave higher in his excitement. I didn't say much, just nodded to everyone as they waved at me- Kurt was busy hugging his father, kissing Carole, even high-fiving Finn, all the while relating this past week at school to them at machine-gun speed.

"Geez, do you ever breathe, Kurt?" Finn joked as Kurt paused for a moment to look back at me. "Sit down, guys."

Kurt glanced back and forth between me and the table again and I frowned, confused. If he had the option to spend time with his family, there should be no question.

"…Actually, Finn," Kurt began slowly, "I think I'm going to spend some time with Blaine. I promised him we'd watch a movie tonight."

Finn shrugged and went back to his meal. Burt, however, fixed the two of us with what Kurt had labeled his "suspicious parent" stare.

"Same rules as Finn, Kurt. Door open- if I hear moaning, he's out of here."

"Yes, Dad." I could see the flush creeping up the back of Kurt's neck and then he whirled around, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me back towards the door and the stairs that would lead us up to his room.

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><p>We settled ourselves on the bed once Kurt had popped the movie in and turned off the lights, me between his legs as he leaned against the headboard. This was better, safer, in case- I shook my head and tried to relax, breathing in deeply. Best not to think about that right now. Kurt's cologne was intoxicating…<p>

"Will you be able to keep yourself awake through this?" he teased, gentle fingers tangled in the curls at the base of my neck and _oh, god,_ _I love Kurt so much._

"Maybe," I breathed. _Calm yourself, Blaine. You can't let things go wrong this early in the evening._ I swallowed. "I'm sorry about your dad."

His knee twitched. "What?"

_Great job._ My mind reeled for a moment, trying to fix what I'd just said. "N-nothing, I mean… I'm sorry that you were embarrassed. It came out wrong."

He chuckled softly, relieving some of the tension in my chest. "Don't worry about it. If that's all I have to put up with from them, I'm happy."

Then that was it for talking as the credits started.

I stopped paying attention to the story soon after the movie began, focusing instead on Kurt's soft, rhythmic breathing and the steady massage of his thumb on my shoulder. It distracted me from the painful emptiness in my stomach. Every once in a while I would turn my head and brush my lips over Kurt's fingers, just to make him blush. I loved that shy, adorable look in Kurt's eyes whenever I did it… and it kept his hands where they needed to be. (Not that he would put them anywhere else- don't think things like that.)

It was about an hour in when everything went to hell. I felt it before I heard it, that aching tightness that normally died down after the first couple days of starving myself. Then my stomach growled, loud enough to be heard over the dialogue. I wanted to die.

"Blaine? Did you want to get something to eat?"

Oh, no. Was he angry? I swallowed, trying to gauge Kurt's tone without looking at him. He didn't _sound_ angry, but…

"Don't worry about it," I whispered. I wondered if Kurt could hear the fake cheerfulness. "I don't want to interrupt the movie."

His warmth pulled away and a spark of fear surged through my veins. I whirled around to see- Kurt's smiling, bemused face, tinted blue in the darkness.

_Get a hold of yourself. You're fine._

"We're in the twenty-first century, Blaine. We have something called a remote-" he lifted the plastic device and shook it- "and we can pause the DVD." He waved it in the direction of the TV, though he didn't press a button. "Go get a snack."

I said nothing, watching him quietly. Door number two of the night. I had twenty-two hours left to go. While I would almost definitely be sick with myself later for what I was about to do, and it would add a significant amount of time to my punishment… it was necessary. …And maybe, just maybe, Kurt would enjoy it. I would do my best, and hopefully that would be enough for him to not care, to forgive me.

He swallowed, expression wary. "Blaine, what-?"

"You know what?" I murmured, voice low. "I just realized something." His eyes are wide as he stares up at me, trembling slightly, unsure of what I'm about to do. Just like I am. "There are much better ways of interrupting a movie."

The thing that makes me feel the worst about this is that I can't tell if the look in Kurt's eyes is excitement or fear- I know it's my fault, either way, and I feel awful. But I can't back out now. Not unless he says no. He can't think I'm just toying with him.

But he's not saying no. His breath is- it's actually _quickening_, and his eyes are slits and now he's _kissing_ me, and- it takes everything I have not to moan into the kiss, because I heard what his father said, and more than anything I don't want to ruin this for Kurt.

He pulls back to look at me, searching my face for… something. I keep it carefully guarded; I don't want him to know that I have _motives_ for wanting to do this with him.

"I think you may be right." His voice is breathless and I want to cry, but I have to see this through. Kurt moves to press "mute" on the remote but I grab his hand and shake my head, motioning towards the half open door.

He nods and leans back on the bed, obviously expecting for me to follow. I'm about to when my eyes catch on to something that makes my stomach twist and my heart ache and I can't, I just _can't._

Kurt is hard.

His beautiful face creases into a frown, and he tries to follow my gaze to see what's upsetting me. His pale cheeks flush darkly.

"We- we don't have to, Blaine, _you_ don't have to if you don't want-"

"Shh." I kiss him gently, cutting off his words. "Just relax. This… this'll feel amazing, Kurt."

He bites his lip, nods, lies back again, watching me carefully.

"Tell me if you want me to stop." With one last glance towards the door, my heart about to pound out of my chest, I direct my trembling hands towards Kurt's zipper and lower my head.


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, so this chapter is a little shorter (and a little more confusing) than I had planned. There's a lot of switching between normal and italic text, dreams/memories and current events.

Thanks to YaDiva for inspiring what became the bulk of this chapter. Yes, I suppose the rating will have to change now. ;) I hope you guys enjoy, and thank you all so much for reviewing!

**warnings** for non-graphic sexual acts and non-con. Some details about Blaine's old boyfriend may not work with the information the show gave us (though there wasn't much). I took some license.

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><p>All the lights are out. Everyone's gone off to bed- everyone except me, that is. I'm still awake, gazing at Kurt's face in the moonlight filtering through the curtains. He's beautiful.<p>

Burt came in to check on us a few times earlier; I pretended to be asleep. It was easier that way. I wouldn't have to explain what I was doing in his son's bed, and he wouldn't have to ask. We aren't even spooning. I'm just lying on my stomach, holding Kurt's hand in my own. Occasionally I reach up and stroke his face, still radiant despite the hour or two he's been asleep.

My mouth is dry and my jaw is sore, but I can't bring myself to get up for a drink. Besides, I need to keep his taste on my tongue. I need to remind myself of what I've done, what I'll need to apologize for when he wakes.

I move my hand down to rest on his hip, bare underneath the blanket.

_"Blaine, p-please…"_

_ I'm already taking him as deeply as I can, but he bucks forward and I choke. I pause for a moment, trying to regain both my breath and my confidence; I stroke his hips slowly to ground myself and reassure him that I'm not stopping._

_ His mewling is getting to me- I can't let myself get distracted right now. As I lower my head again, I pinch myself- Kurt's too far gone to notice this time, but he needs to be quieter. I tap his hipbone to get his attention; his noises lessen and he clenches his fists in the sheets._

_ "Hurry," he mumbles. "You- you're so amazing, Blaine." His words degrade into frantic panting, and I know he's close. Then it hits me._

_ The first time Kurt's going to come because of me, and it's not even romantic. Neither of us are undressed- Kurt's pants are barely even around his knees._

_ I wanted his first time to be special… not a meaningless diversion. I swallow against tears and suddenly I'm choking again; Kurt lets out a strangled noise, his body tight as a bowstring, and then he's relaxing against the mattress, breathing heavily, cheeks flushed._

An accident. I swallowed his come without complaint- what else could I do? But I hadn't been trying, hadn't even been thinking of him when it happened. Just myself, my problems. My stomach heaves, but I keep my lips tightly shut.

_His breathing slowly evens out and he turns to look at me with lidded eyes. I can just barely hear the movie still playing in the background._

_ "That," and Kurt's voice is at least an octave lower than I'm used to hearing, "was beyond amazing, Blaine." He blinks a few times then, as if remembering something._

_ "Do- do you want…?" He reaches out a pale hand, still shaky from his orgasm. I smile and tuck his hands under his cheek._

_ "Don't worry about me," I murmur. "Just go to sleep, Kurt."_

_ He nods and closes his eyes. Within five minutes, he's out. I run a gentle hand through his hair as I cover him up with the blanket._

"I love you," I whisper to the now quiet room.

* * *

><p><em> "I don't know, I just love you so much."<em>

_ Daniel didn't say anything, but I heard him chuckle softly. I smiled and nuzzled closer to him on the bed, twining our fingers together. I was so, so lucky to have a boyfriend like Dan. We spent so much time together, just lying on our beds, kissing, talking. He knew everything about me, all of my secrets, but he still cared about me. The fact that someone like him, an older kid, would ever go for a guy like me… I loved him._

_ I tried to pull his hand up to my mouth to kiss it, but he kept it firmly where it was. I tried to pull mine away instead, and couldn't._

_ "Dan?"_

_ "Get on your knees."_

_ "…What?" I looked up from our hands, almost laughing. That was such a weird thing for him to say- I couldn't have heard him right. He couldn't have actually meant-_

_ But he wasn't laughing. He sat up, towering over me, and my blood suddenly ran cold. This- this wasn't right, was it? Had I done something wrong? I lifted myself up onto my elbows and began to crawl slowly backwards, not daring to take my eyes away from his face._

_ "I appreciate the gesture, but I meant on the floor." He grabbed my shoulder and pushed, sending me tumbling off the bed. What was going on?_

_ "D-Dan, what-" My eyes widened as he stood and began to work on his fly. "Why are you-"_

_ "Shut up. You say you love me, so why can't you do this for me?" Blue eyes, so loving and gentle just moments before, were now like ice. "Get. On. Your knees."_

_ I did so shakily. I kept my eyes on the floor now, too terrified and embarrassed to do anything else. Hadn't things been normal two minutes ago? What happened? We'd never discussed doing something like this before. What did I do to make him turn on me?_

_ He gripped my chin hard. "Look at me when you're sucking me. Or would you rather I turn you around and-"_

_ Tears filled my eyes and I shook my head. "P-please. I'll be good."_

_ A pleased smirk spread across his face and his hand moved from my chin to my hair, ruffling up my curls. "That's a good boy. You'll enjoy this."_

"Blaine? Blaine! What's wrong?"

Kurt? Why is he here? He shouldn't be here, he'll be hurt too- but… I didn't know Kurt when I was with Dan. The image in front of my eyes flickers, Kurt's terrified face fading in and out like some kind of hallucination.

"Blaine?" He's shaking me now, voice in one of the highest octaves I've heard from him. "Please wake up!"

_"That's it, right there…" Dan grips my hair tighter, pulling it. I try not to flinch- I don't want to make him angry. But I can't breathe with my tears and him and everything's just _choking_ me and-_

A sharp, stinging pain radiates from the left side of my face and the image shatters. I gasp in air, suddenly all too conscious of tear tracks on my cheeks and an embarrassing ache that makes me want to sink through the floor and die.

"Blaine?" Kurt asks again, tentatively this time. I can't answer him. In the back of my mind a faint voice echoes.

_You're mine. Forever._


	6. Chapter 6

Hey, everybody. I'm sorry this one took so long. Writing's been a little hard lately. I hope you enjoy this chapter- I'm a liiiiittle bit unsure of it- Blaine may be a little confusing. If so, tell me, and I'll try in explain either in a review reply, or an edited version with additional comments.

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><p>"I'm sorry I slapped you," Kurt mumbled quietly after a few moments. Upon hearing his voice I finally managed to pull myself into a sitting position and shook my head.<p>

"Don't be. I needed it." I rubbed my face, trying to breathe deeply to slow my heartbeat. "Not much else can get me out of a nightmare."

Kurt didn't reply for a minute. I lowered my hands and frowned at him, suddenly feeling uneasy. "What?"

"Um… Blaine," he began carefully- and now I knew something was wrong because Kurt practically _never_ used that voice with me- "are you _sure_ that… dream was a nightmare?"

_Oh, no. Please don't let him have seen- _"What are you talking about?" I tried to keep my voice light, cheerful, but inwardly I was panicking.

_Please, god, don't let it be that, please let me be overreacting…_

Kurt cleared his throat awkwardly and pointed. Slowly, reluctantly, I lowered my gaze and saw the unmistakable bulge beneath the sheets. I swallowed hard.

"It's okay, Blaine, if you had a- a dream like _that_," Kurt said quickly. "I-it's normal, and-"

"No." My voice was so quiet I barely heard it. "It's not."

Anger, white-hot anger, and shame and disgust and burning self hatred bubbled up in my chest and I felt my hands clenching into fists at my sides. I'd failed _again_, in so many ways it made me sick to count. I'd made Kurt uncomfortable, getting turned on in his _bed_, with him _next to me._ I'd let that damn dream control me again. How could I let myself react like that? Did I _enjoy_ being held down, forced to suck somebody off while they told me how disgusting I was, how they didn't even want to see me with my shirt off, much less touch me? What was wrong with me?

I'd been so _careful,_ tried _so hard _to be perfect for Kurt- last night I'd almost managed it, I'd almost gotten him to just be _happy_ and forget about my problems- and now one damn dream was going to take all that away from me!

"Blaine, please- you're scaring me." Kurt's eyes were wide, fearful. I'd made them that way. "Are you okay?"

_No, no, no, NO! _But I couldn't say it. I couldn't say anything that was running through my mind, couldn't let Kurt in and see just how far away I was from that idealistic image he had of me.

"This isn't just about last night," Kurt said quietly. I didn't answer. I couldn't. "Something's wrong and you need to tell me what it is." When I continued to just sit there silently, he lowered his head and fidgeted with a corner of the blanket. I couldn't look at him. Now that the fear was wearing off, I was starting to feel a little ridiculous. Most guys probably didn't make this much of a fuss if they got turned on by accident around their friends. They'd make a joke, laugh it off, and forget about it.

But then again, most other boys likely didn't have such an embarrassing reason to be turned on in the first place, either.

"Is-" Kurt's voice was so tiny, so uncertain and fearful, that I wanted to cry. Had _I_ done that to him? "-is it me? Did I do something wrong?"

I finally found my voice. "_No._ God, no, Kurt, you're perfect."

He didn't react to that the way I'd expected; instead of looking pleased or flattered by the compliment, he just smiled sadly at me and looked away again, like I'd confirmed something for him. I bit my lip. I didn't know what I could possibly say to make things better, but-

A sudden question interrupted my thoughts.

"Blaine, are you asexual?"

I stared at him. "W-what?"

He blushed, but kept his eyes firmly trained on mine. "It's okay if you are, well, uncomfortable with sex-"

"I know what it is, Kurt." I passed my hands over my face again, trying to keep calm. "I just wasn't expecting you to say that."

"Well, if you're going to make such a big fuss over-" Kurt glanced towards the door and lowered his voice until I had to lean in to hear him- "over getting… _hard_ around me, then I think we need to talk about it."

I opened and shut my mouth several times, unsure of what to say. Kurt wanted to talk. About _sex_. About my issues.

…But was that really so bad? I _was_ uncomfortable with it all. Maybe not for the reason he was thinking, but… if we could just… get it out there, get the conversation started, maybe- maybe I could tell him-

_No._

"I- I never said I _was,_ Kurt!" I exclaimed, trying to buy some time. "And isn't this really not appropriate, anyway?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You gave me a blowjob last night, Blaine. We're _way_ past inappropriate."

"And I never should have done that to you. You weren't ready."

Kurt was quiet for a moment. Then he took a deep breath and grabbed my hand. Usually that gesture was one of comfort, of support between us. Now… I only felt dirty.

"I know that sex is something I've always been really uncomfortable with," Kurt murmured, not quite meeting my eyes. "And so I- I'm grateful that you're being sensitive to that. But-" and here he finally looked up at me, eyes a bright, determined blue. "I don't want you feeling guilty about what you did. I could have stopped you if I wanted to. I-" he ducked his eyes again. "it was something I wanted to try."

I nodded, though I was having a hard time following what he was trying to say. "So… does that mean it's something you want to do… more often?"

_Stupid, what the hell did you say that for? You didn't want to do it in the first place!_

_ …Kurt matters more. If he wants to… I'll do it. Whatever he wants._

"Not if you won't enjoy it. That's why I asked." Kurt tilted his head and gave my hand a squeeze. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I forced a smile and squeezed back. "I'm sure. I love you, Kurt."

He didn't say he loved me back.

* * *

><p>Sunday night. Alone in my room. Kurt had been over earlier; I'd invited him. Told him the house would be empty. We could hang out, kiss… do whatever he wanted.<p>

He arrived at six, dressed impeccably as always. We went up to my room, laid down on the bed… looked at each other… and kissed.

By seven o'clock, he was out the door.

That night, I hurt myself for the first time.

Perhaps I could consider starving myself to be self-harm, but I'd never cut myself before, never tried to draw my own blood as punishment for my shortcomings. Lust was easy to punish- a long, drawn out suffering for a long, drawn out problem. But hurting

someone… that required a sharper, swifter punishment, something that would reflect the quick, deep pain you'd inflicted. And I'd hurt Kurt badly. All he'd wanted to do was show me loved me, prove it with more than just words. He'd been willing to give himself up to me in the most intimate of ways, and I'd been too scared, too stupidto _tell_ him that I was scared, what had happened to me to make me unable to do that with him.

"_You gave me a blowjob, Blaine, but you-"_

"_Would you stop bringing that up?"_

"_-you can't even take off your shirt in front of me?"_

"_I'm allowed to be self-conscious…"_

"_I just want to give something back to you- you do so much for me. I want to show you that I love you-"_

"_That's not loving someone!" I yelled without thinking, without realizing how much that would hurt him. _Thinking back on it, I should have just kept my mouth shut like I always did. I always managed to hurt Kurt somehow, fall short of perfection for him, and it killed me.

"_It's- it's _using_ someone, it-" I finally clamped my mouth shut, too little too late. Kurt stared at me hard, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes._

"_So you were just using me?" he asked, voice so utterly broken I just wanted to scoop him up into my arms and hold him… but I couldn't, now. I'd ruined everything._

"_It didn't mean anything to you?"_

_Why couldn't I SAY anything? All I could do was stare at him, pleading with my eyes for him to ignore me. Pretend I hadn't said anything._

_I'm stupid. I know I am. Hit me, if you want. Just don't leave me._

I wasn't good enough for Kurt. I repeated the line in my head as I dug my nails into my arms. It wasn't enough.

_He didn't listen. He stood, tears streaming down his face. Ran out of the room, down the stairs. I heard him, trying to hold in his sobs as he shoved his feet into his boots. Heard the slam of the front door, the ignition of his car._

I let him down. He expected me to be the calm, confident, courageous one. I dragged my nails down a few inches, leaving angry red trails in their wake.

I ruined his first time. It wasn't special enough. I didn't know what I was doing. I could have made it so much better for him. I could have just _let_ him… but he wanted me to… to…

A few more inches, just a little deeper… the scratches stung, but no blood came up. I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

I didn't want to do this. I needed more. It was going to hurt- I stopped myself, shook my head. I couldn't be afraid of the pain. This was necessary.

Slowly, mechanically, I left my room, walked down the long, empty hallway, my breath unnaturally loud in the darkness. I walked past my parents' room, deserted, past the linen closet, filled with pure white towels, all impurities bleached away until they were perfect again. Good as new.

Could I ever be clean again?

I reached the bathroom, entered, locked the door (why? No one was home). Rummaged through the drawer for a razor. I found one, still in its packaging. At least it'd be clean.

I lowered it to my wrist. Paused. _That could kill you._ If nothing else, it'd be obvious there. I didn't want Kurt to worry about me. _Why would he? He probably hates you now. You do what he tells you to the rest of the time. You should have just sucked it up and gone along. Maybe then you'd finally be _normal-

"Shut _up_!" My voice echoed loudly off the tile, ragged and strange to my ears. Where was poised Blaine, dapper Blaine, frontman of the Warblers? I clenched my fingers around the razor and winced as it bit into my skin.

Not the wrist. I locked eyes with my reflection in the mirror. There were dark circles under my eyes, red rimmed and bloodshot. The rest of my face was pale. I had to do this.

Slowly I set down the razor and began to unbutton my shirt. Let it fall to the cold tile.

Maybe I should cut it off, that greedy _thing_ between my legs. At least then I'd have a valid excuse for Kurt. I could apologize for what I'd done, promise him that I really did love him, that I'd do anything he wanted, please him any way I could if he would just tell me he _loved_ me again.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey, guys. I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. I had an awful case of writer's block, so this chapter is not me at my best. The climax is coming up next chapter, so that's something to look forward to, at least. I hope you guys are still enjoying this.

I'm going to be in Maryland from Thursday until next Sunday, hanging out with my cousin and going to Otakon. (Being Kurt. Woo!) I'll try to write a little bit while I'm gone, but I can't make any promises about the next update. Hang in there! And thank you, as always, for the lovely reviews. You guys are great.

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><p>"Blaine? Hey, Blaine." Wes nudged my shoulder, making me wince. "Are you okay? You've been pushing the same button for two minutes now."<p>

I glanced down at my calculator. Apparently I'd been dividing something; the number on the screen was ridiculously small. I cleared it and sighed, absentmindedly rubbing at my thigh.

I was such a coward. The only cuts I'd ended up making were on my thighs-back and front, so I would feel them no matter what I was doing. A constant reminder of the pain I caused Kurt.

_Kurt_. I bent my head to my work so no one would see the pained expression on my face. I'd apologized so many times- through text, I hadn't trusted my voice- and none of them had been answered. That morning, I went to school early and waited by Kurt's first class, rehearsing over and over what I was going to say. Kurt walked right by me without saying a word.

Now it was third period and we still hadn't said anything to each other, yet Kurt's voice was still loud in my mind, drowning out the teacher's lecture amidst the pictures and sounds and feelings of the night before.

_The anxious hammering of his heart would not go away. Blaine swallowed hard as the other boy climbed on top of him, hoping that it would be misinterpreted as excitement. Kurt kissed him, softly, stroking his jaw with a pale, uncalloused thumb. This was love- Kurt being gentle, being careful. Going slow, exploring their bodies together (well, mostly Kurt's, his wasn't ready yet), not caring if they ever got to orgasm. Not even trying._

_Yet it hurt all the more, knowing that it wouldn't last._

_Kurt's hand stroked along his hipbone, fingered the hem of his sweater. Blaine shuddered._

"_K-Kurt, please-"_

_The soft hand traveled further. Lifted up his hem. Blaine felt the light fingers tease up towards his ribs and quickly grabbed Kurt's wrist._

"_Not what I meant," he joked breathlessly. Kurt pulled back to raise an eyebrow at him, but said nothing._

"Now, class, if I could draw your attention towards…"

_Blaine explored Kurt's neck eagerly, delighting in the sounds the taller boy made. He could feel Kurt's hands clinging to his shirtfront and tensed slightly, trying to see if that would be enough of a hint. The hands slid down, found his hem again._

_Apparently not. Blaine pushed away._

"Mr. Anderson?"

I lifted my head slightly. "Hm?"

"Have you been following us, Mr. Anderson?"

My head shot up. I was still in math class. My face flushed darkly and I looked down again. "No, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Daydreaming is not permitted in my class, Mr. Anderson. Please stay behind after the bell."

As class progressed, I began to pick at a cut through my uniform pants. Wes didn't say anything to me.

* * *

><p>I decided to skip lunch that day. I could easily lie and tell my friends I'd had to stay back and get lectured to for not paying attention in class. It wasn't like I had to meet up with Kurt now, or anything.<p>

Tears pricked at my eyes and I swallowed harshly. I needed to forget about Kurt, move on. Apologizing wasn't going to get me anywhere.

_But then…_ I froze, a horrible thought suddenly invading my mind; if Kurt and I weren't together anymore… would he want to leave Dalton? He could probably find a way to be safe back at McKinley, if it would mean getting away from the boy who had ruined everything. If it hadn't been for me, he might not have transferred schools at all…

_And if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have gotten his heart broken…._ I shook my head. No, I helped Kurt. Gave him the courage to stand up to his bully. It was only after, when things got serious that I couldn't keep up.

_Why_ couldn't I just have gone along with it all, if only to make Kurt happy?

_Because you're a wuss._ It wouldn't have been so bad- it wasn't like Kurt was asking for us to have sex. He probably would have been fine with some shirtless playing around, making out… even touching through clothes wouldn't have been so bad, except Kurt wanted to give _back._ I wasn't ready for that, didn't know if I'd ever be ready.

I sighed, leaning my head against the door of my dorm. It was too late for explaining now. I'd just have to live with my mistakes.

…Warbler practice was going to be torture.

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><p>"<em>Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs… what's-<em>"

_BAM._

"Blaine…" Wes sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. He was disappointed, and I completely understood why. "Your performances today are severely lacking in energy."

I kept my gaze fixed firmly on the ceiling. "I know. I'm sor-"

"Are you tired? Hungry?"

"No, I-"

"Then what's the matter?"

I didn't reply. I could feel the eyes of my fellow Warblers on me. I was wasting their time, and I felt awful about it. But I couldn't help it. The pain in my legs prevented me from doing any particularly good dancing, and my voice couldn't make up the difference. I glanced over at Kurt for reassurance, more out of habit than anything else- the deep sadness in his eyes caught me for a moment, just a moment, until he realized I was staring and looked away.

Thad must have noticed my gaze. "Did you and Warbler Kurt have a fight?"

I swallowed. _Just give them a simple yes or no. They don't need to know all of the intimate details._

"In a… manner of speaking." I tried to ignore the soft 'hmph' from the other side of the room, but… the casual indifference hurt. I kept my breaths as even as I could in an attempt to keep my face straight. Calm. Had he forgotten everything we had, everything we'd been through together, all because of one stupid phrase?

Wes and Thad exchanged a glance, discussing something quietly under their breath, and then faced me again. "While normally we would agree that this is a private matter between the two of you, if this disagreement is causing a drop in the quality of your performance… We will have to ask you to make up for the sake of practice, if nothing else."

I restrained the urge to look back at Kurt and gave a tight nod. "All right, then. Request to adjourn practice for this evening?"

I didn't wait to hear their reply before I turned and left the room.

I had to figure out how I was going to apologize to Kurt.


	8. Chapter 8

It's nice to be back. As usual, sorry about the delay. (Maryland/Otakon was fun, though. :) ) I think this story is going to be over in another chapter or two at the most. Thank you all so much for reading, and for your awesome reviews. I hope you guys like this chapter! (The last scene was particular fun to write.)

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><p>KURT'S POV<p>

I'm sitting at my desk, staring down my cell phone. Blaine's number is on the screen. About twenty discarded text messages sit in my draft box.

I need to talk with him, but I really don't want to.

What he said to me was horrible. I'm allowed to be angry at him, but… I'm starting to worry. All week he's been acting strangely-not coming to lunch, not focusing in class- and since his storm out he hasn't come back to Warblers practice. Maybe he's waiting for me to apologize?

I chew on my lip and rest my chin in my hand. He's the one who needs to apologize (ignoring the dozens of texts he sent me that first day- they don't count). Face to face. You don't just tell your boyfriend that the progress you've been making was all a lie and didn't mean anything. You don't break your boyfriend's heart and then expect a simple text message to fix everything.

But… Blaine doesn't seem like that kind of guy. He was so amazing to me, stood up to Karofsky for me… did something happen? I don't see how it could have; we talked almost day after we met. Maybe something from a long time ago. Just because _I _tell _him_ everything doesn't mean he does the same.

"_Blaine, are you asexual?"_

His face- during that entire conversation, he looked so tense. Embarrassed. And before… I bite my lip as my cheeks flush at the memory. He'd seemed so scared, nervous before he…

_Oh, no._

I snatched my phone from the table and quickly opened a new message before I could lose my nerve. We needed to talk.

* * *

><p>BLAINE'S POV<p>

About an hour into my study session (which had consisted more of me staring blankly at my notes than anything else), the familiar chorus of "Candles" played softly from my bed, breaking me from my thoughts. _Kurt._ I practically dived for my phone, grateful for an excuse to move, to _breathe._ Talking to Kurt was like a breath of fresh air.

_-What're you up to?_

_Missing you,_ I thought instantly, but my fingers typed -_studying my ass off for exams_ instead. Safer not to be flirty, not to be desperate just yet. I sat back and waited for a response.

A minute passed. Then three. I frowned at my phone. I had hoped we were finally going to start talking again. I felt cold.

-_Did you need me?_ I tapped out hesitantly. Had I missed some sort of cue? …Did he want me to apologize?

Finally, after two more anxious minutes, my phone rang again.

-_It's nothing. Don't worry about it._

I bit my lip. _–I'm really sorry, Kurt, I promise._

_-I know. Just go study._

I blinked and slowly lowered my phone, trying to ignore the twisting of my stomach. Kurt didn't sound mad… but I still felt like I'd done something wrong. Just when I was about to turn back to my notes, I heard my ringtone play one more time.

…_Come to the Lima Bean tomorrow. We need to talk._

The knot loosened a little. He'd promised to talk to me again. Still… the fear that I'd let him down somehow, done something wrong, continued to gnaw at me.

I didn't learn a single fact that night.

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><p>KURT'S POV<p>

The bells on the door tinkle again. I glance up from my untouched coffee, see a head of dark, curly hair, and quickly look back down. A minute later, the chair across from mine pulls out. This is real now.

"Hey."

Blaine's voice is shaky, uncertain. I swallow and try to smile at him. "Hello, yourself. No coffee?"

He shrugs. "Not in the mood."

Silence. I fidget, sip my coffee, glance around at the ceiling… all the while Blaine's eyes are fixed on the table.

"I… have to tell you something," I say at last when I can't stand the awkwardness anymore. Blaine's eyes flash up to my face.

"I wanted to… apologize." I finger the still warm rim of my cup. "…For a couple of things."

Blaine frowns. "Why are you apologizing? I'm the one who hurt your feelings."

"I know, but… That whole situation never should have happened in the first place. And what we did before…" I bite my lip and try to hold back the blush that still forms at that memory. "We should never have done any of it. I'm sorry for not talking to you about it before."

There's silence again. It's even more awkward than the first time, but I don't know what to do now. I've said everything I wanted to. All I can do is hope he's not too angry with me. I love Blaine and I don't want everything we have to be ruined because I couldn't read his signs correctly.

After a few minutes without a reply from Blaine, I dare to glance up at his face.

He's crying.

It's quiet, and there aren't a lot of tears, but his eyes are red, and I can see wet patches on his cheeks where he's tried to wipe them clear.

"Blaine?" Oh god, what did I say? "What's wrong? Did I-"

"I'm sorry, I just-" Blaine closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths as I look on anxiously. "I didn't realize you regretted it so much."

It's my turn to frown. "What do you mean? I thought you didn't want any of it."

He stares at me as if I've slapped him. "Kurt, do you… do you have _any _idea how much I care about you?"

I narrow my eyes in confusion. "That was never up for debate. All I'm saying is we need to relax and back down from the serious stuff for now."

I push my chair out and stand up to throw out my coffee. Blaine grabs my wrist before I can move, however, and looks up at me with desperate eyes.

"Please," he practically whimpers. "I'm sorry. I'll do anything. Just don't go."

I pause. This… isn't what I was expecting from him. At all. This behavior is just so… un-Blaine that it's almost scary.

There's something he's not telling me.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. This is going to take some nerves.

"All right." His eyes widen slightly. "Come back to my house with me… and we can 'talk' some more."

* * *

><p>BLAINE'S POV<p>

This is it. We're in Kurt's room, alone. The door's locked, just in case someone comes home. He hasn't explicitly said what we're going to do, but I think I can guess.

I kneel on the floor, more out of habit than anything else, keeping my eyes on the floor so I don't see the memory of Daniel standing in front of me. This is Kurt. I know that, but my body is still anticipating the same pain that I was so used to with Dan. What is he going to do?

Kurt breathes deeply for a moment before he removes his shirt and sits in front of me. "Kiss me."

I can do that. I lean forward and our lips meet.

Kissing is one of the few things I can do without feeling dirty or scared. It doesn't hurt, and it actually feels… sort of nice. The only problem is when it starts to turn me on, but that's not hard to fix. It's only when Kurt…

Kurt must feel me tense because he pulls back and looks at me closely. "Are you okay?"

I nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good." He kisses me on the cheek, softly. "Take off your shirt."

My first reaction is to grab the hem of my shirt and hold it tightly. I don't want to do this. Don't want to explain why my ribs are showing, why it looks like I haven't eaten a good meal in months. …I don't like where this will inevitably lead.

But I have to. It's for Kurt. I love Kurt, and whether or not he ends up hurting me, he's more important than catering to any fear that I have.

Slowly, hesitantly, I lift my shirt over my head and discard it on the floor next to us. His breath catches as he looks at me and I want to squirm.

"Blaine…" I wait for him to say more but he doesn't, just sits there with his hand outstretched towards me, eyes wide. Then suddenly the moment's over and he's mastered himself. He moves closer, presses our chests together, and kisses me again. He's more gentle than Dan ever was. Maybe… later… it won't hurt, either. I wonder what he likes.

Then something occurs to me, and it takes all my self-control not to freeze into the kiss again. What if Kurt wants me to top?

I can't, I _won't_, I- my mind's in a panic as I try to imagine it. Kurt, beneath me, looking up at me expectantly. Nervously. Waiting for me to enter him, to give him pleasure, to-

I _can't! _What if I'm not good enough? I don't know what I'm doing! What if I- what if I couldn't, if he's lying there, prepared, and I suddenly… lose it? What would he think of me? Would apologizing be any good then? I could always try and think of something else to do, but I'd have screwed up twice now, and I can't do that to Kurt. He deserves the best, whatever he wants to make him happy.

He pulls away again. There's something new in his eyes this time. He stands, pauses, and then begins to unbutton his jeans. The look he's sending me is unmistakable. He wants me to do the same.

I'm not hard, not at all. I don't want him to see, to think he's not enough for me. But I stand anyway. My fingers brush the button- the scars. He _can't_ see those. To know that I hurt myself because of him? That would devastate him.

Even though I love him, I really can't this time.

My hands are trembling. I can feel the familiar heat rising in my face, the tell-tale signs I'm going to start crying. I drop to my knees and cover my face with my hands, curling in on myself as if that'll protect me from him.

"Blaine-"

"I'm sorry!" That's the only thing that can escape my lips. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I'm sorry, I-"

Shh, Blaine, it's okay." Warm hands wrap around my torso and I fall forward, burying my face in Kurt's shoulder instead. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't get angry. He just sits there and holds me, gently rocking us and murmuring over and over again, "It's okay."

I don't know what's happened, but I don't care. Kurt is with me, and he still loves me, and that's all that matters.


	9. Chapter 9

Hey, guys! I can't believe it's the last chapter. Fanfics are always so hard to let go... Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, and for the ungodly amount of favorites and alerts on this thing.

As always, I hope you like the chapter. It was a little emotionally draining to write, but I'm actually really proud of this. Enjoy. (and please excuse the timeline).

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><p>I manage to calm down after a couple of minutes and Kurt finally sits back, studying me closely.<p>

"Are you all right?"

I nod as I wipe some of the residual tears off my face. "I think so." Though I'm still not sure what's going on. "I'm really sorry, Kurt, I-"

"Don't start with that again," he says quickly, and I snap my mouth shut. He sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

"This is… complicated," he says, not looking directly at me. "But I'm glad you stopped me. You were supposed to stop me. I was actually… worried that you weren't going to."

Okay, now I'm really confused. He was testing me? Kurt seems to realize what he said a moment later and shakes his head violently.

"No, no, Blaine, it wasn't- I wouldn't have actually _done_ anything if you didn't, I would have stopped…" He's blushing now. "I know you don't like sex."

"Then why did you make me go through all of that?" I don't even bother to dispute the fact anymore. He found out somehow, and denying it's not going to help here. "And why are we even bringing this up again? We talked about it already."

"But you weren't telling me everything." Kurt's voice is soft here, caring, but I still feel myself getting irritated. What business is it of his what happened to me? Why I feel this way?

"I'm allowed to have secrets."

"Not when they're hurting you like this, though." Kurt gestures towards my half-unbuttoned jeans and I squirm. "You _broke down,_ Blaine. You could have just told me you didn't want to, that you wanted me to stop, but you kept going way past your comfort zone until you just… cracked." He grabs my hand and holds it tightly. "Something bad happened to make you act like that. But you have to explain things to me."

I can see I'm not going to get out of this. I stare down at our hands and think for a minute. Kurt cares about me. He's safe. Somehow… somehow I can believe that he's not going to leave me, no matter what I say. But what he'll do instead… that I don't know, and that's what scares me the most. Still, I have to do this. I take a deep breath.

"I've… never really been into sex," I start, hurrying the words a little in anxiety. "I don't know if I was _afraid_ of it before, I just didn't think about it. But then with you… I just love you so much, and I want to make you happy." I blush and clamp my lips shut, but Kurt doesn't make fun of me for the corny phrase.

"Okay. But that doesn't mean you have to do things that make you uncomfortable. You're always telling me that."

"Yeah, but…" It's different. With Kurt… I'd _never_ do anything to make him uncomfortable. I'd do whatever he wants, whether it be cuddling on the couch or- sucking him off. I shiver.

He notices, and moves to wrap his arms around me again. "What is it?"

I relate my thoughts to him slowly, glad to not have to see his reaction. It's quiet for a moment.

"But why would you put yourself through something like that if you wouldn't like it? You deserve to be happy too, Blaine."

I don't respond. No, I don't. Dan made that quite clear. After those three little words, you serve the person you said them to. You do whatever you can to make them happy. It's reward enough to be with Kurt. I don't need anything in return.

"…I love you."

"I understand that." He sounds amused, almost. He pulls away again. "You keep saying that. Do you think I don't believe you?"

I shrug, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I just… want you to know."

He tilts his head then, those clear blue eyes sharp and bright as if they can see right through me. "Did someone not believe you before, when you told them that?"

I swallow. My heart's beating faster- just a little bit, but it's enough. I completely pull out of Kurt's embrace and go to retrieve my shirt. I need to be covered, be that little bit safer right now.

"Blaine?"

"No," I reply shortly. "He believed me just fine." _That was the problem._

"Then what did he do to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it!" I'm angry now, but not at Kurt. At myself, for letting this get so far. At Dan, for managing to ruin the one good relationship I've had even after all this time.

Kurt doesn't say anything, giving me space to breathe. I can hear him moving around quietly, putting his clothes back on. That eases the tension in my stomach a little. This isn't a sexually-charged conversation anymore. It's just a heart-to-heart, between boyfriends. I turn back around.

"Can I ask you something?" Kurt's sitting on his bed now, gazing at me pensively. It's a little bit strange, but I nod.

"About that nightmare you had. The last time you were here." His eyes narrow a little. "That's related, isn't it?"

I open my mouth, then pause as the familiar words echo through my mind again. _You're mine. Forever. _I can't tell Kurt about this. He'd get upset.

I don't want to be hurt again.

"Blaine?"

"I'm not allowed to tell you," I say quietly. Though that's probably bad enough to say. That's just going to lead him into his next question-

"According to who?"

I try not to- I know I'm just walking into trouble, doing exactly what Dan would punish me for, but it feels so good to let it all out. Even with the anxiety of wondering what Kurt's going to do to me later, what I'll need to do to myself later. The words spill out of my mouth without much control on my part.

"He was… at first, he was a really good boyfriend. He was older than me, and I was happy that he actually noticed me. I thought he cared. Then he changed." I hope that's enough. I hope he'll take the hint and stop asking. That's all he needs to know, anyway.

Kurt's voice is dangerously quiet. "This was before Dalton?"

I nod distractedly. "Yeah. I was so afraid at first- I thought he would blame me for switching schools, trying to get away from him. He never called or anything but I was still so scared after-"

Kurt interrupts me. "Blaine, were you assaulted?"

My entire body tenses. Was I? Dan was my boyfriend. I let him do all of those things to me, I even let him get me off… I'm not sure if I ever said no, even though I probably felt uncomfortable.

"I… I don't know." I can remember pain. I can remember crying, and trying to hide bloodstains on my clothes from my parents, from the kids at school. I can remember the awful jolt in my stomach whenever I got a call, a text, whenever he entered the room.

I can remember being aroused and wanting to die.

I look up at Kurt, whose eyes are wide in horror.

And I nod.

"Oh, _Blaine._" Kurt pulls me close to him and buries his face in my neck. I'm unsure what to do for a moment, before I can feel him shaking. He's crying. I wrap my arms around him tightly, stroking his spine with my thumb. Kurt should never cry. I feel awful for putting this on him when he already has his own pain.

We sit like that for a while, just holding each other. Kurt continues to cry, yet he will occasionally throw out a word of encouragement: "it's okay," "you're so brave," or, more often, "I'm sorry." I don't know what he has to be sorry for. He hasn't done anything wrong.

"Blaine, you have to promise me something," Kurt says a few minutes later, once he's stopped crying and the silence is getting awkward enough for me to notice my legs are falling asleep. I immediately murmur an "okay." Anything he wants.

He's quiet for a moment, as if thinking carefully about what he's going to say. "I want you to promise me that you won't ever force yourself into doing something for me. I don't care if you think I need it, or if you feel you need to make up for something. The only time I want to be sexual with you is-" he takes a deep breath- "-is when you're comfortable. When _you_ want to do it. And if that time never comes…"

I've stopped breathing. Does he really mean this? My arms tighten around him.

"It's fine. I don't need sex to be happy. I only need you."

I'm speechless. He's willing to give up such an important (…but is it, really?) experience in order to make me happy. He _wants_ me to be happy.

It's so different from what I'm used to, and yet I can feel the smile spreading across my face, feel a new lightness in my chest that's foreign in its intensity. My arms are so tight around Kurt's body that I'm almost afraid he'll break, but I can't let go.

"Thank you, Kurt," I manage to whisper past the lump forming in my throat.

We can get through this. I can finally feel hope.

* * *

><p>THREE MONTHS LATER<p>

We're at the Lima Bean on a long-awaited coffee date. The New Directions are back from their New York trip, and Kurt's busy relating everything (that he hasn't already told me through thirty-five text messages) that happened. They didn't win, though you would think they had; Kurt looks so excited and cheerful and just plain _alive _that all I can do is stare dazedly at him like a lovestruck puppy.

Ever since that night when I bared everything to him, Kurt's been more supportive than I ever dreamed he would be. He kept his word (not that I ever doubted he would) and hasn't pressured me into anything on our dates, which have become much more enjoyable without that added layer of anxiety. More than that, the way he handled our friends was amazing, eloquently avoiding their teasing enough so that they would understand without actually telling them what happened. My secrets are safe while my preferences are being respected, and it makes me so happy that he would be that considerate of me.

We haven't mentioned Dan since that night. I told him don't want that shadow hanging over me anymore; this relationship is ours, now, and its different. I can feel it. I'm even starting to feel brave enough to consider going further with Kurt, though I don't think he would believe me if I told him. I suppose I understand. The memories haven't faded, even though the scars have.

…I never told Kurt about them. At first, it was from fear of how he'd react, but then I realized it just wasn't necessary. I didn't need to punish myself anymore. I'm free of Dan, I'm clean now, and there's no point in upsetting Kurt over something that no longer plagues me.

"Blaine? Are you listening to me?"

I can't help it. That wonderful, beautiful _lightness_ is in my chest again, and I'm just so happy about being with Kurt, about being _free, _I have to say it:

"I love you."

Kurt pauses, studying me as he carefully swallows his coffee. I know what he's looking for, and I also know that he won't find it. My mind is clear.

Finally, he smiles, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. "I love you, too."


End file.
